It still hurts

I’ feeling really alone. I feel like I blew the only chance I had at love. I believe we were meant for each other, though we never could quite figure out how to do right by the other. It took me my whole life to find then lose that love. I really don’t think there’s another one coming.

Alone on the Treadmill

It seemed like was going okay for awhile…but that feeling left. Looking around, I realize I’m still on the treadmill to nowhere and still all by myself.

So many disappointments and so many empty promises.

I do not know how to pull myself out of this funk. How do people kick start their will?

Now I know what’s wrong with me!

It’s called borderline personality disorder and it is kicking my butt.

Georges Han, a recovered patient now studying at the University of Minnesota for a Ph.D. in psychology, describes borderline personality disorder as “a serious psychiatric disorder involving a pervasive sense of emptiness, impulsivity, difficulty with emotions, transient stress-induced psychosis and frequent suicidal thoughts or attempts.”

People with the disorder are said to have a thin emotional skin and often behave like 2-year-olds, throwing tantrums when some innocent word, gesture, facial expression or action by others sets off an emotional storm they cannot control. The attacks can be brutal, pushing away those they care most about. Then, when the storm subsides, they typically revert to being “sweet and wonderful,” as one family member put it.

Nice to know, I guess.

Being happy

I posted earlier that I read somewhere that there are three things that every human being needs to be happy: someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I don’t have one, two is hanging by a thread, and the three isn’t big enough to make up for the rest.

Indeed

Make it stop

I’m sitting here rocking right now. It feels like my chest is going to burst. I really can’t take this life any more. There isn’t a damn thing to look forward to. Okay, that isn’t exactly true…the things I have to look forward to don’t hold a candle to the things there are to dread. Never before have I been this terrified, this alone, and this hopeless. I really can’t face this any more.

I spoke too soon

It figures. I say it wasn’t a bad day, then the next day goes and sucks. I think I messed it up myself though. I got a call last night. An individual who has been causing some serious pain in my life got 25% more cooperative. I wanted more. I want people to do their fair share. So, instead of recognizing the call as progress, I saw it as still falling way short and turned negative. I got hung up on.

Today was a tough work day, some of which I attribute to bad feelings from last night.

Not a Bad Work Day

Today was not bad, as work days go. I only got the panic-dread feeling three times and not the severe can-I-die-now ones.

The work situation has not improved. It’s still just a matter of time before they let more of us go, then more time, then more of us, and so on. And yet, I don’t feel as horrible as I have these past months. I still feel bad and hopeless, just not bottom-of-the-pit horrible. The only thing that’s different is that I started this blog.

The current work environment really lets you see the animal nature of human beings. After all, everyone just wants to feed their families and so will do or say anything to keep their livelihood. It’s pretty disgusting. I don’t blame anyone. I just think raw survival desperation is unattractive. It’s probably why we agree to pretend to be civilized most of the time.

I’ve been feeling like this for a while and today I didn’t:

Put on your party face

Off I go to celebrate Memorial Day (didn’t we used to observe it?). Although I’m basically two seconds away from wracking sobs, I need to pull it together for the BBQ. These people have no idea of the amount of pain I’m in. Even the ones that know I’m in pain…they have no idea how much…no idea how it feels. Don’t upset the children, who think I’m cool and fun (because, frankly, until this year, I was cool and fun).

Ironic

In this world, I am invisible.The good I do, the ideas I have, the contributions I make. Invisible and unacknowledged.

Unless I fuck up. Then all of a sudden, everyone can see me. Everyone knows I exist.